Finger Foods

Everybody has at least one quirk. Mine is wearing Cookie Monster underwear to job interviews. My grandmother’s was stealing Sweet ‘n’ Low from the local diner. Last week, I discovered my boyfriend’s is keeping a freezer full of human fingers. Continue reading

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Sweaty Paws and Mr. Handsome

Today is the day. Today. Is the day. I’m going to march over and flirt with my future husband. Continue reading

Idle Dogs and Mutant Crustaceans

Restlessness has plagued me for the last couple of days. When I suggested to my friend that we hit the mall and look longingly at the myriad things we’re too broke to buy, she came back with, “Idle dog f*ck sheep.” – which I took as her way of saying no. I just love her and her fancy talk.

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Stalking Mona Lisa

They ripped me away from my one true love,
For they condemn what they don’t understand. Continue reading

In a Former Life

The nurses think me strange for my attachment to my tights. They’re royal blue and rumored to be indestructible Continue reading

Like a Good Neighbor

Good morning, neighbor.
What a lovely surprise.
My gosh, you’re pale as a ghost.
A problem, you say?
Come in, come in.
We can talk over tea and wheat toast.
How was your trip?
Did you take lots of pictures?
Your man must be happy you’re back.
Forgive my appearance.
I’m sick as a dog,
And probably smell like dead yak.
Your husband’s sick too?
Well, that’s a real shame.
I guess it’s going around.
What do you mean?
What are you saying?
I’m sorry, you’ll have to expound.
You found my lace panties.
No reason to hurl them.
I swear it’s not what you think.
My washer broke down.
I had nothing to wear.
I was in and out in a blink.
What’s that you’re holding?
There’s blood on your shoes.
Oh no, what have you done?
It should never have happened.
I know it was wrong.
Please, just put down the gun.

Donnie Wahlberg and PCD

Post-concert depression is the worst.

… Wait, that sounds bad, and now I feel like an ass. Of course there are worse things. Remind me to make a donation to UNICEF, please.

I’m nursing a bottle of Sunkist wrapped in a brown Continue reading