Still Here

To those who are nice enough to read my posts – I promise to get back to my usual type of writing soon. I’m just not feeling it right now… My grandfather, or what used to be my grandfather, is currently sitting on the kitchen table in a little cardboard box, and mood swings are kicking my ass, thanks to the cancer drugs I’m on. So I’m having trouble focusing lately, but I will be back… if I haven’t flooded the world with my tears or pummeled it to dust with my rage (seriously, the mood swings are a real bitch).

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Creeping up the Backstairs

It’s crazy how everything can change in the blink of an eye, how something sinister can sneak up on you and change your life forever. One minute Donnie Wahlberg is making me feel all warm and fuzzy, and the next minute I’m being diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. And of course I’m asking myself, “what the fuck?” I was naïve and still possessed that sense of invincibility, the false belief that nothing could touch me in any significant way. So even when the doctors discovered a mass, I wasn’t too worried. When they performed the biopsy, I was impatient waiting for the “all clear” I knew was coming. But things didn’t turn out the way I expected.

Confronting your mortality is terrifying… for me, anyway. And I’m not saying I’m going to die anytime soon, but when you’re dealing with cancer, it’s a possibility you’re forced to consider. Life after death. Does it exist? Or will I breathe my last breath and cease to exist forevermore?

And then my mind goes in a slightly different direction, and I wonder how many last times I have experienced without knowing it. Was the last concert I went to so amazing because it was my last one? Like a gift from the invisibles keeping tabs on me? I hope not, but there’s no way to tell.

If there’s one good thing about this diagnosis, it’s finding out who your true friends are. Those I never expected to give me a second thought are the ones offering the most support. As someone who usually feels completely alone, this gives me strength to fight as hard as I can against this piece of shit disease.

Goonies never say die.