Confession time. I steal gum from my mom’s purse. I fall asleep in class. I enjoy hiding my grandpa’s dentures and watching the chaos it creates. I am, admittedly, far from perfect. But despite my flaws, I don’t know what I possibly could’ve done to deserve this punishment.
It’s been a couple of days, so grab a wine cooler, take off your shoes, and allow me to recount my tales of woe and misfortune.
I awoke yesterday to find the wings hadn’t disappeared as I’d hoped. In fact, they pretty much did the opposite. At some point during the night, they’d torn through my makeshift nightgown, an old T-shirt nominating “Captain Picard for President,” (my father’s), and stretched wide open as though preparing for takeoff. Now obviously, this wasn’t how I wanted to start my day, but I was trying my best not to lose my shit…
It wasn’t until I realized the wings were stuck in place that I flew into a full-blown panic. And just like the day before, my cries of anguish brought my parents running. And just like the day before, both proved to be totally useless.
Mom: “Yeah, getting hysterical will fix everything. Jesus, April, act like an adult.”
Dad: “Hey, toss a mask on, and you’ll be ready to fight crime!”
So I was left to sort out my predicament myself… as long as my solution didn’t involve missing school. Um, how exactly am I supposed to get dressed with these things jutting out like massive boners? There’s no way. Do they just expect me to march around topless??
It was all good though (relatively speaking). It turned out all I needed to do was relax… kind of like the Hulk. Once I got myself under control, the wings folded up. Crisis averted.
Unfortunately that little episode was only the beginning of my nightmare. I managed to humiliate myself in front of McDimples again. I can’t even think about it without hyperventilating.
There I was, standing at my locker between classes, and Kevin comes strolling past me with his arm draped around Madison the whore’s shoulder. And fine, I admit that I was maybe a little jealous, but I honestly think the wings overreacted. Because out of nowhere, the feathered bastards began struggling frantically against their trenchcoat prison. I knew if they had their freedom, they’d be flapping up a storm. As it was, the movement beneath my clothes made it look like my “humpback” was throwing a tantrum, and that caught the attention of nearby classmates who took it upon themselves to laugh and point and scream,“It’s alive!” In less than a minute, a good part of the student body was crowding around to gawk at Frankenstein’s monster. I glimpsed Kevin halfway down the hall. He’d paused just long enough to see what the commotion was before continuing on his way with Madison. Stupid slut face.
Okay, so that was yesterday. Today… today I was determined to do everything right.
I took a roll of saran wrap and bound the wings to my body, nice and tight. No wiggle room whatsoever. When I got to school, I avoided Kevin like the plague, so as not to tempt fate. And everything was fine and wonderful, excepting the occasional taunt.
But. There’s always a but.
I don’t really remember what happened before I passed out. I just remember feeling hot and wondering why nobody was complaining about the AC. Next thing I know, I’m waking up in the nurse’s office with a damp washcloth pressed to my forehead and a crumpled ball of plastic wrap laying at my feet. Oh yeah, and my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad wings are on full display. Could it seriously get any worse?
Of course it could.
When I turn my head, there’s McDimples standing in the doorway, staring at my wings in open-mouthed shock. He had a nasty gash on his shin, but for some reason he didn’t appear to notice he was bleeding all over the place. Thank God the nurse rushed to help him when she did. Literally three more seconds, and I would’ve died of mortification.
My life is RUINED!
I can’t imagine the torture I’ll be walking into tomorrow once everybody knows.
I wonder how my parents would feel about moving to Antarctica.
To Be Continued…